Day 23 – Fire Escape

As much as I want to see the cherry blossoms in full bloom and up close, I freeze up when I think about running into people. Now that they finally recommend face masks (fabric ones), it adds another pause (until I DIY some masks!). Until then, I’m taking night walks or “NWs” as A calls them.

I know friends who are leaving at least once, if not a few times a day for walks and to be in nature. I can picture that being healing for my mind and body. But, I resist anyway. I feel more rooted and safe at home, under my illusion of control. (Key word: ILLUSION!)

Instead, on nice days, my fire escape serves as my own personal outdoor spot— I fashioned a little cushioned corner that puts me directly under the sun. It hangs over backyards and rooftops and decks and I soaked in the noise of families talking and kiddos playing. I know I’m lucky to even have this little bit of solace and am looking forward to adding a real outdoor cushion to make it more comfy.

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In all honesty, it took me 10-15 minute to shake off the judgement I placed on myself. That I lacked courage. That something is wrong with me for not taking a walk. That everyone else must be out there but me. Knowing A had to go to the pharmacy for his parents added fuel to my thoughts, because it was the first time he had to “break” quarantine.

I know that I wouldn’t look down on any one who was in my boat. That deep down it’s okay to do it my way.

And still that insidious judgement snuck its way in.

Gratefully, I was able to settle into my own little nook and still got the sun I needed (daaang it felt so good), caught up with friends on FaceTime, and started a new book.

Tonight, I’ll go back out for a longer walk. I’ll grab a paper towel so that I can “safely” open doors, take the stairs, and get out of my apartment building.

I’ll explore the houses, the quirk of the trees not yet bloomed, and walk in the middle of one way streets for physical distance. My heart will quicken a bit when someone gets to close, but will slow down with each footstep as the walk works its magic.

And like that, another day will have passed.

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